A Reflection on Reconciliation

Last Sunday at Mass, our priest started his homily with this:

"Suppose a man came into my confessional and said: 'It's been over a year since my last confession. Also, I missed mass twice. Those are my sins.' What would you think of this confession?"

Somebody near the front immediately called out, "Boring!"

After we all smiled and laughed a little, Father answered his own question: "I personally would think, what an honor to be in the presence of such a saint!"

For some reason, that statement really truly hit me. What sort of person goes an entire year without any sins besides those? I certainly hadn't.

Is anybody really excited to realize all the wrong things they did?

He continued with a beautiful homily connecting John the Baptist's story to the importance of recognizing Jesus as our authority, and feeling the need to repent. He reminded us that we are not bad people because we sin. Nobody has the right to judge another person for that, and it's important that we look within ourselves before we try to list another's sins. Every person in the church has sinned, but we also all do righteous things in our lives as well. The problem is when we gloss over our sins, look at the good we've done, and forget the need to confess the bad all together. Being a "good person" doesn't negate or replace the bad things you've done. Life is not a game of making sure you do more good things than bad, so that when you die, you're "ahead." The most sinful person on Earth could sincerely repent to Jesus on his deathbed, and get into heaven, you know?

Secondly, when we miss out on the graces and opportunities that go with our sacrament of Reconciliation  we are depriving ourselves of the ability to change. We may be truly sorry for our sins, but if we avoid formal confession, saying our faults out loud within that awesome sacrament, it's hard to let go of them and truly change those areas for the better. It's hard to tell yourself "I made a bad decision, and I need to never do that again" if you don't hold yourself accountable to anyone other than your own mind. It's all too easy to continue a bad habit when you don't make a deliberate point to confess, because, well, "I'm already being sinful, what's another one to throw on top?"

This, my friends, is why we need the sacrament of Reconciliation so desperately. We need a way to come to Jesus, with the aid of his teachers on Earth (the priest), and just tell him that we're sorry. It's painful to list all the ways we failed Him, but a necessary pain....it helps us to really think about what direction our lives are going, and to think, "Is this really the path I want to be on?"

For a long, long, time now, I've been avoiding confession. In the beginning, it was because "there is always next week." Then, I made some very bad decisions, and it was easier to bury them deeply, and never acknowledge them again. Months went by, but when the sins piled on, I felt trapped under the weight. I made some positive changes in my life, learned more about our faith, still attended weekly Mass through it all....but something is STILL preventing me from moving forward with my life.

I've made countless notes on my calendar for confession that I just didn't keep. Last Advent, I went Christmas shopping with my husband with the intention of going right afterwards....then I became "sick" and had to go home. I've been as close as at the Church, looking at the line of people waiting, and then I got right back in the car to go home. I had to make the tough decision this week to admit that my anxiety and fear is not as important as what I need to do for myself and my soul.

The last time I went to confession was June 18, 2011, at 9 am. Today, I will be pouring out about 18 months worth of sins: failures to do what I knew was right, and failures to avoid what I knew was wrong. It won't be easy, but as Father reminded me so clearly, I can't move forward in my life without getting on my knees, and being truly repentant at the feet of Jesus.

And so this Sunday, I will be able to present myself to Jesus in the Eucharist once again.